ASK THE EXPERTS
Q&A with Mr. Bittner and Señorita Ortega: Questions From Girls About Bullying
Question #1: Gina is being cyberbullied
I have a blog and several days ago I got a message that worries me. It read,
"You're a loser and everyone at school hates you! You think you're so cool, but you're going to get your face smashed. Just thought you'd want to know." "The Gina haters"
Without thinking, I showed the note to my Mom. She is really upset and convinced my Dad that they should meet with my school principal. I'm upset too, but kids post stupid things on blogs all the time! There's no way to find out who sent the note, and I'll just become the latest joke around school. I wish my parents wouldn't make a big deal about this. What do you think I should do?
Reply from Mr. Bittner:
I'm sorry, Gina, that you are the target of someone's cruel words. However, this message cannot be overlooked or dismissed. It is a form of bullying we refer to as cyberbullying. Your parents are right to be concerned and let the school principal know. Making a threat of physical harm whether in person, by phone or, as in your case, in writing over the Internet is against the law. There may be a way to identify the sender's email address or computer, especially if law enforcement officers are asked to investigate.
Three tips to remember are: 1) Don't send a response (it's what kids who bully want you to do and it will only encourage them); and 2) Don't erase the messages or pictures until you show a parent or adult; and 3) Print out a copy of the messages to keep as evidence that you can provide to your school principal and/or law enforcement officer.
Administrators at your school, such as the principal or school resource officer, will ask you questions to find out whether you've been bullied at school before since, it's possible this bullying is continuing online. Think back over experiences at school. Is there a time when you've been excluded, teased, or were the target of rumors by a group of students? As hard as this is for you, some good may come out of bringing attention to the problem of cyberbullying. Perhaps, you and your parents should ask that students learn about ethnical and responsible Internet use. There are also good resources for parents on Internet safety and guidelines. One place to start is on the Stop Bullying Now! cyberbullying page.
Question #2: Emily is being excluded from the in-crowd
A group of girls at my junior high school have decided to make my life miserable. They started out being rude by telling me to sit at the other end of the lunchroom and then when passing me in the halls they would move as far away as possible. Leslie, who is the leader of the group, usually gets her way. She's popular, and the teachers like her because she's quick to volunteer and take charge.
I'd hoped that Leslie and her friends would forget about me over the summer, but that didn't happen. The other day before gym class, Leslie announced that I must be "crazy for being so ditzy." Coach Cruncher heard the laughter and asked Leslie what she said, but she lied about telling a joke. I saw this as a chance to tell Coach what really happened. He seemed to believe my story, and together we went to the school counselor. Then, one by one Leslie and each member of her group met with the counselor. They denied everything and brought up my problem - slight hearing loss - as the reason I didn't hear them correctly. The school nurse was asked to contact my parents to schedule a consultation about me! I don't want to go to school and face Leslie and her gang - there's no telling what they have planned for me tomorrow.
Reply from Señorita Ortega:
My advice to you may be as hard as facing these girls again. Emily, you have felt the sting of bullying by Leslie and her gang for far too long! And, I fear, it will get worse unless you get help from your parents and adults at school. Last year they succeeded in isolating you; this year you're the brunt of their jokes. By identifying you as someone to avoid, which can be for no reason yet it may be because of your disability, they made it risky for anyone to be your friend. Girls often bully other girls by excluding them. Cassandra was good at this. Even her friends, Mimi and Bibi, admitted to Melanie their nightmares of Cassandra kicking them out of her group. (See Webisode 4).
No one deserves to be mistreated. Unfortunately we know that children with physical disabilities and medical conditions are often the target of bullying. See the Campaign's fact sheet on what we know about Bullying Among Children and Youth with Disabilities and Special Needs. School administrators must by law protect youth with disabilities from harassment or abuse. What you are experiencing may qualify as disability harassment.
Question #3: Dana and her experience being bullied by a male student
There's a boy at my school who has been bothering me all year. He is in the 7th grade, a year ahead of me, and he thinks he's the school "hottie." I'm not the only one he bothers - there are other girls in my class he treats the same way. At first, he seemed okay to me, but then during lunch, he walked up and stood close to me, and said nasty things about how I looked and, if I didn't watch out, he "may go crazy after me." He never says these things in front of anyone else. He always waits to get me alone! The other day when I was walking into school, he grabbed my arm and said, "You know you want me to be your boyfriend!"
Reply from Señorita Ortega:
Dana, this behavior is not okay. Even if he does this for the fun of it, he knows it makes you feel uncomfortable. Maybe he wants to scare you and the other girls by saying these things while you are alone, but it is still wrong! He must learn that the way to gain a girl's friendship is to earn it! Lesson #1 should be to treat all girls with respect.
He will need to learn these lessons from adults. And while they help him change his bad behaviors, they must help you by keeping him at a distance. It is sooo very important to report this as soon as possible. You may want to write down his actions - what he said and did with dates, times and places. Think through how to arrange a private time to talk with your school principal, school counselor, trusted teacher, or coach, whomever you feel most comfortable talking to. You may want to ask a friend to come with you for support, or some of the girls you've seen treated badly by this same boy. You will also need to tell your parents or guardian what's happening. Suggestions on how to report bullying are outlined in the Tip Sheet What Should I Do If I'm Bullied?
Dana, some other steps you can take are to: 1) avoid having any contact with him, and 2) ask your friends to stay around you during lunch, and before and after school.
Question #4: Maria tried to help a friend who is bullied
There's a boy named Marvin who bullies kids on the school bus. He's older than most of us so I guess he thinks he can tell us what to do. We try not to let him upset us. No one will even sit next to him. He usually sits near the front of the bus behind the bus driver so he won't be seen making faces and rude gestures, or heard calling kids by mean names.
Marvin enjoys teasing Joel, a friend of mine, more than anyone else. I tried to stick up for Joel, and even told the bus driver about Marvin's bullying. But he didn't do anything to stop it. Marvin calls us the "love bugs" when we sit together. Now Joel stays away from me to keep Marvin and his friends from laughing at us. What should I do? Please help.
Reply from Mr. Bittner:
Maria, you are a good friend and others should follow your example of trying to help. I can tell from your letter that you are hurting nearly as much as Joel. You cannot change Marvin's bullying behavior by yourselves. He may not be hurting you physically, but the distress Marvin causes hurts you emotionally. It's also hurting your friendship with Joel. You may remember the Webisode of bystanders coming to Milton's aid after Brick dropped chocolate pudding into his macaroni and cheese; this shows there's power in numbers.
Your school probably has rules against bullying so, even though the bus driver didn't help, talk to someone, a trusted teacher or the school principal, who will uphold the school's discipline policies. Also tell your parents about what has happened. You may want to share information from the Stop Bullying Now! Web site, see the Tip Sheet in How to Talk with Educators at Your Child's School about Bullying: Tips for Parents of Bullied Children.
